Welcome to the NICU

I spent the first 60 minutes of being a father feeling guilty.  I felt guilty because I was willingly walking away from my wife who was still on the operating table. But mostly because I was self aware enough to realize I had a split second reaction back in the OR that I wasn't sure how to process. You see for the last 5 months or so we we're pretty sure Baby A was going to be a beautiful girl.  Baby B on the other hand was the big one, who liked to kick hard. Baby B was definitely a boy, and a tough boy at that. I was SURE we were going to have one of each. It's beyond me how I had completely convinced myself that there was a 99% certainty of something that was essentially a coin flip, but I had.  When Lena was pulled out and was a girl, it wasn't a surprise. I was waiting for them to pull out my boy! When the doctor held Lyndy over the drape I felt something I wasn't expecting. I'm not sure if it was surprise, or disappointment, or what, but in that split second it wasn't pure joy. Hence my 60 minutes of intense guilt.

We walked into the NICU. The doctors and nurses got the girls hooked up to all their monitors and equipment. They were weighed and measured. The medical team left, the grandparents came in,  photos were taken. Then all of sudden everyone was gone. Their nurse dimmed the lights. After days  of chaos, the world around me felt strangely comfortable. The nurse and I talked for a few minutes.  I told her I was an engineer at heart, and she explained every piece of equipment in the room. I probably cracked some bad jokes, she probably laughed anyway. We stopped talking, the only noise was the sound of air bubbling through water on the girls air masks. And then the nurse walked out of the room.  She told me she'd be right outside if my daughters or I needed anything. I sat down on the couch.

..."My daughters" I said out loud, that was the first time I'd heard anyone say that. It sounded good. I looked to the left and the right where each girl was laying in their incubators. I smiled.

I thought maybe what I felt back in the OR wasn't disappointment that I had two daughters, maybe it was disappointment that I was wrong. I had tried to predict something unpredictable and then was surprised when it didn't turn out the way I expected.  For someone who preaches that planning is invaluable, but plans are useless... I'd fallen right into that trap. Deep down did I really want a daughter and a son, or was this all just about being right?

I got up from the couch and walked over to Lyndy's incubator and opened the portals. I reached in and touched her hand. She grabbed onto my finger and squeezed like a vice. It had never occurred to me that someone so small would have that much strength. And just like that, I realized I was glad that I had been wrong back in the OR. I wanted exactly what was in front of me all along, I just didn't know it. She opened her eyes a little and squeezed my finger even harder. They were both tough and beautiful... I'd gotten what I wished for after all.